In Buffalo, the kickoff resulted in a touchdown that was called back to the spot of the catch — the 3-yeard-line — and Right Guard Joe Barron, a notorious kneeler, was ejected. “It’s the only way these guys will learn,” said Referee William Vanden Boom, “you have to hit them where it hurts most.”

Vanden Boom isn’t wrong on that point. Each player ejected faces fines from both their team and the league that could run into the hundreds of thousands. All for a “protest.”

ALLOD Sportsball Analyzer Tara Newhole, who once dated Vanden Boom’s ex-girlfriend, Sandy Batt, said anyone who thinks a 20 or 30-year age difference is immoral somehow can come tell her that to her face. “Sandy could watch football and pound Miller Lite like no other,” said Newhole, “so screw all of you.”

There was some immediate confusion as to how the subject came up. As it turns out, there was like a mushroom or 12 involved. “I like to make tea,” she said, “and I won’t apologize.”

We’re just happy she waited until the 5th paragraph. God Bless America.

REPRINTED WITH PERMISSION FROM THE DUNNING KRUGER TIMES